


Stronger Together

by happilyappled



Series: Faith, Heart and Flesh [3]
Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: College Student, Established Relationship, M/M, ex priest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 05:16:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/935819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happilyappled/pseuds/happilyappled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They have been living together for seven years and, over the last year, Gerard has become secretive. Frank simply wants to know what is wrong with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stronger Together

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to [Erika](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kuriositet) and [Janice](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fierda), the best and most inspirational friends.
> 
> For [Bandom Big Bang 2013](http://bandombigbang.dreamwidth.org/) Wave Three, with [one mix by monkey_pie](http://8tracks.com/monkey_pie/stronger-together) (note: mix made in 2012).

> _And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. — 1 Corinthians 13, 4-8_

_May._

"Maybe you should go," Gerard says, in a deep voice. He sounds hurt by his own words, but they can't hurt him more than they do Frank.

It's Friday night and they've just come home from the club where Frank's band, _Broken Thoughts_ , played at. This band started out as a group of friends in college, after Frank realized that his band back home would never be the same again since the five of them pursued different paths and lost interest in their high school band. Frank was a little heartbroken after that, but he was the only one to apply to a school that wasn't too far away from home while Lukas had moved across the country and Jonas had traveled abroad. So Frank joined another band, and they're actually making it pretty big right now.

They recently put out a second album and it has helped them gain a lot of new fans, and now they have their own shows with bands opening _for them_ and not the other way around. There are a few tour dates for the summer and Frank is proud to be in a band that is working hard to succeed and is turning out well in the music business.

Gerard, however, seems to have a problem with the shows they have been playing. After every single one of them, Frank comes home with him without fail, but Gerard either goes to bed immediately or starts fighting with Frank about the band and the show and the after parties that Frank should be attending. "I mean it, Frank. Go back to that party; it's your party and your friends are in there, your _fans_ are in there. It's where you belong."

"I don't want to. I'm tired and I wanna be at home, with you," Frank argues back for the umpteenth time. He's sick and tired of discussing this.

"We're gonna have three weeks off this summer. That is plenty of time to be with me," Gerard retorts frustratedly, gesturing high with his hands and pulling the most intricate faces to pass his message. "It's Friday night, your band had an awesome show and your manager arranged a huge party for everybody. However, you're at home, doing nothing when you should be out there having fun. How does that make sense to you?"

"I didn't want to stay, what's the big deal?" Frank rolls his eyes, but not because he's annoyed. He just doesn't want to do this again or say these things again. Gerard keeps repeating himself and it's frustrating Frank to a point where he'd rather be an ass to Gerard and get this over with. "What's wrong with _you_? Lately, we haven't done anything together, because you've been so fucking distant. Is it the new place, or your new job? Or is it about you and me?"

Gerard seems to hesitate at this and Frank tilts his head, starting to think that he may have hit a nerve. He hopes so, actually, so they can finally get somewhere with this argument. It's getting repetitive. Gerard looks up at the ceiling and says, lowly, "It's definitely me. I'm too old for you."

Frank groans. He has heard this before, but he hoped that Gerard had stopped worrying about it. Frank isn't bothered that Gerard is past the forty years barrier. If so, he hopes he can get to that age and still have as much energy as Gerard, except he wants to use that energy to work and be a good boyfriend instead of fueling depressing fights. "Our age difference was never a problem when I was eighteen, so why is it a big deal now?"

"Look Frank, look at the two of us now. I'm forty-two years old, I'm a high school teacher and I do crappy art during my free time, while you're a twenty-five year old college student who sings in a rock band. We don't…." Gerard sighs and drops his arms at his sides, his expression strained as he searches for the right words to say. Then, he rubs his face and concludes, "We're not compatible."

"Are you serious?"

"You should be living your life, collecting the goods of playing music in a band that has a bright future ahead. You should be letting loose," Gerard continues. "That's what people your age do."

"I don't care what other people my age do, okay? This is my life and I choose to be here because I love you, and I want to hang out with you. We used to do that and don't try to tell me we no longer have things in common. Don't tell me you're too old, because you're just… slipping away."

Frank looks back on what has been going on with Gerard for the last months. He has been refusing to spend time exclusively with Frank. They might sit on the couch watching TV but don't make conversation about it like they used to; they barely kiss in bed and they don't touch each other intimately. And this has been going on for a long time and Frank wants the old Gerard back; he wants to be with the man he fell in love with. "Stop pushing me away. Talk to me, spend time with me, make love to me again."

"I don't deserve that anymore, Frank." Gerard hesitates, wetting his lips just like he always does when he's pondering really hard about how to get the things on his mind across. He doesn't take too long, though; he never does. He has always been pretty quick in finding the right thing to say. "Most of the time, I feel like I no longer give you what you need."

This is something Frank has never heard before. Gerard has dropped hints about feeling like this, but he has never been this blunt about it. Gerard saying this makes sense, though, because Frank hasn't been feeling a lot of love from him lately.

"And actually you don't," he admits out loud, creating a tense silence between them. The air in the room thickens and Frank holds his breath when Gerard takes a step back, hitting the back of the couch with his body. It seems like, while Gerard has just admitted that he feels that he's no longer enough for Frank, he didn't expect Frank to agree with it too. Frank closes his eyes for a second and takes in a deep breath before continuing, "For the past months, you haven't been giving me enough because you've been refusing to even be with me. It's like we don't share a house or a bed; it's like we don't love each other anymore. You've been isolated in your own little world, concerned about something and hiding it from me. Why don't you tell me what it is?"

Gerard stares at Frank, his eyes blinking rapidly, and he's awfully quiet for a long moment. When he finally speaks again, his voice is low and uneven. "It's nothing."

"Don't even try. I've known you long enough to tell when you're lying," Frank points out. The signs are very clear: Gerard is supporting his weight on his left leg and he can't look into Frank's eyes. Frank has studied all these behavioral signs since the beginning of their relationship, and the seven years they've spent together have only intensified this ability to read Gerard so well.

Gerard pauses and Frank can see him gulp in anxiety, and Gerard's eyes shift in an angle that suggests that he's thinking about something that is difficult to say. Frank has no idea what to expect, but it's still very surprising when Gerard looks up and says, "Maybe you should just _leave_."

There's a shocked silence as Frank notices the emphasis that Gerard is placing on the words and suddenly realizes that this is not just Gerard asking him to go back to the party, but leaving him... for good. "What?" Frank exclaims, incredulous that Gerard would suggest something like that. It feels equally surprising how secure and relieved Gerard looks afterwards, despite the fact that he's still not staring at Frank.

"Just go, Frank. You're better off. I have nothing else to offer to this relationship and we're mature enough to admit it."

Frank's mouth goes dry with disbelief. He shakes his head. "No. This is where I want to be. How can you ask me to leave when you know how much I—" He pauses, taking a few deep breaths. Looking at Gerard's uptight expression and the serious downturn of his lips, Frank realizes that he means it. He really wants Frank to leave tonight, maybe the house, maybe Gerard's life. Frank swallows hard and questions him about it. "Do you really want me to leave? Do you want me to go and never come back?"

Gerard doesn't reply, and Frank doesn't say anything else either. He just looks at Gerard who turns around and goes to sit on the couch, holding his head in his hands. Frank remains standing there, a few steps away from the couch watching Gerard with love and worry. Gerard hasn't been himself since they moved in. He's been cold and inexpressive. He doesn't spend time with Frank, doesn't talk to Frank; they don't even cuddle in bed as often as before. Frank needs to fix this before it's too late.

They have been fighting for months now, Gerard always telling Frank to go with his band and his groupies, but it was never about Frank _leaving_. Frank hates it.

"I can't fucking believe this," is the last thing Frank says before he walks away.

He thinks about years ago, when Gerard was a priest and he met Frank. At the time, he was a teenager with serious doubts over his sexuality, but then Gerard started having his own doubts, only about his faith and his vows. He thinks about the day Gerard told him he was leaving the priesthood and wanted to try a relationship with Frank, despite everybody who objected and stood up against them. Together, through the years, they went through some harsh times, like when Frank found out he had some conservative classmates and they gathered a small crowd to stone Frank for his "heinous crimes". He truly felt like a character out of a bad drama novel inspired by the Bible. He had to spend several days in the hospital fighting for his life, but this never made him give up his faith in God or in Gerard.

Frank can't think about this anymore. He feels disgusted just considering the fact that Gerard wants him to leave. He also needs a shower after the sweaty show. When he's finished, he just gets into bed. He falls asleep quickly, as he's so tired after a very full day; he had his part time job in the morning, at the hospital where he works as an assistant in the Psychology ward, then in the afternoon he went to college for his lectures and at night, the show.

He had a great day until arriving home this evening, until this fight with Gerard. Frank doesn't understand why they have to fight so much, why Gerard thinks he's not worth it anymore when Frank does everything he can to show Gerard how much he still loves him. Gerard has given Frank so much, first when he promised Frank that he'd do anything for him, then when he proved it by standing up for their values and beliefs and always fighting to keep their relationship standing, and Frank will never forget that.

Later that night, he wakes up when Gerard is sliding into bed. Neither of them speaks; they don't even touch. Frank lies there on his back, feeling Gerard moving around and, when Frank looks, he is lying on his side, his back to Frank. He turns on his side, facing Gerard, sighing out loud to give Gerard a hint that he is awake if he wants to talk. Frank even caresses his back softly, but Gerard doesn't respond to his touch. Frank feels helpless, but he is too tired and decides to just close his eyes.

 

The next morning, Frank wakes up and Gerard is in bed, sitting up against the headboard. He has a hand over Frank's head and is looking down at Frank, but when Frank tries to drape one arm around Gerard's hips, Gerard stops him. "No," he says, grabbing Frank's wrist and putting it firmly aside before he gets up and leaves.

Frank sighs. He had a difficult night, with consecutive nightmares about leaving Gerard or even worse, Gerard leaving him, and always waking up with a tight, anxious feeling in his chest. He looked beside him every time to check that Gerard was still there, and he always was, but his back remained turned to Frank at all times. Frank wonders if Gerard got any sleep at all. He usually doesn't when he's upset.

The alarm clock goes off at last and Frank gets up, wiping everything off of his mind. He has to go to work, so he gets dressed and walks to the kitchenette to get some breakfast. Gerard is there, sitting at the small table in the corner of the room, by the glass doors to the balcony. The sun is shining outside, warm and inviting.

Frank prepares his breakfast, starting with two pieces of toast and getting an empty mug from the cabinet, and sits at the table to eat. It's like any other morning, except they don't speak about their plans for the day. They don't say a single word. Today the ambiance is quiet, tense and very awkward, and soon Frank gives up on his toast. He can't stand the fact that Gerard avoids even just looking at him, eating with his eyes fixed on the table. Gerard even flinches when Frank reaches for the coffee pot that's partly in front of Gerard, as though afraid that Frank will touch him. Frank's lips twist bitterly at that action, and he exits the room, bringing his coffee mug out on the balcony, gazing at the city outside and wishing he could go back in time and fix things with Gerard. He hates the way things are right now.

Frank just wants to talk to Gerard, calmly, without fighting, but apparently it's impossible. He never thought that they would get to this point, but maybe every couple goes through difficult situations at times. He can accept that and promises himself that he's going to make it right soon, hopefully during the summer.

He has to leave the apartment a few minutes later, although he feels his stomach in knots. He stands behind Gerard and touches his shoulder, leaning in to kiss the top of his head and saying, "Have a good day."

Gerard doesn't react or acknowledge Frank, so he leaves. Frank pauses by the front door and looks at Gerard again. This time he sees Gerard with his face buried in his hands and his shoulders hunched forward in fear. The sight hurts and worries Frank, but he leaves with the hope that everything will be alright when he comes back home.

On his way to work, Frank can't help but think about how they've either been fighting or not talking since September. It was when they moved in to this apartment, as Gerard got a job at a different high school. Thankfully, it's closer to the school Frank goes to, but they had to leave behind the house Gerard had lived in for six years and it was hard to move into a much smaller apartment. Gerard's job pays nicely, but Frank only has a part-time job and he has yet to finish college and, although that is still completely financed by his parents, this job doesn't mean he has enough money to pay half of the mortgage for a _house_. Since he never wanted Gerard to pay more than him, they agreed on a smaller place instead.

It's a nice apartment nonetheless, on the fifth floor, with a spacious living room and an organized kitchenette, then two bedrooms and a bathroom. It's enough for the both of them, even though the sounds from the neighbors kind of reverberate through the walls, but they got used to that.

The first night, it had been strange to sleep on the same mattress but with different surroundings and different smells, and with a lot more noises. Frank hadn't slept very well. He'd supposed he would get used to it, though, as it was normal to need an adjustment period in a new place. Frank had thought there might be something more than that giving him a knot of insecurity in his stomach, though. He had wondered if it was just the idea of living with Gerard fulltime, or if he was nervous about getting to know the new neighbors, but he could never shake the feeling of there being something else going on.

He had assumed that these new living conditions were making Gerard either confused or uncomfortable. They had fought over it many times, but they never got anywhere because Gerard kept refusing to open up; he still does. Maybe that's the problem; maybe they're not ready to share a house just yet. Maybe they need to work a bit more on their communication to make this relationship work.

Frank really thinks that Gerard has to talk to him. If there's something wrong with them, or with Gerard or with Frank, he needs to tell Frank. Frank is sure that there's something bothering Gerard, because he has been acting really strangely. Once, Frank trusted Gerard to tell him if something happened, but seven months later, Gerard still hasn't told him anything. Frank is done nagging Gerard about it, though. Waiting Gerard out might be the only option left.

The atmosphere in the apartment remains quiet and heavy for the next few days. Whenever Frank tries to talk, Gerard argues with him about the age difference and Frank's band and Frank leaving. They don't apologize to each other until Wednesday and, even after this honest apology and then cuddling on the couch until they fall asleep in each other's embraces, Thursday and Friday still don't feel normal. Gerard might not be shutting Frank out and Frank might have forgiven him for being so difficult, but it's still not _them_ yet, not completely.

They lie in bed, each on their own side, and Gerard won't turn to Frank even when Frank asks him to. It used to be easier for them to open up to each other in the dark room, but not anymore. Gerard doesn't let Frank touch him in any way and that's the hardest thing to take.

Frank misses Gerard, wants to feel him, embrace him and kiss his mouth softly, but Gerard won't let him do it. It's like all of a sudden, Gerard is a cold person and doesn't let Frank in. This means that there has to be a problem with Gerard, and Frank needs to figure out what it is before they leave each other for good. Gerard already asked Frank to leave, but Frank loves Gerard and wants to stay. Yet this can only work if Gerard wants it too.

 

_June._

Weeks go by and it's either awkward and cold, or Gerard tries to acts as though everything is still perfect, smiling at Frank in the morning, making breakfast for two, and pressing a goodbye kiss on Frank's cheek when he leaves for work. It's strange, but at this point, Frank is willing to go along with his strange behavior and get something out of him when they have more time to each other. Maybe Gerard's bizarre demeanor is the result of all the stress he is facing due to the end of the school year. With it being Gerard's first year as a high school teacher but already teaching senior classes and having heavy responsibilities with extra-curricular activities, not to mention having to work on setting the finals for the first time as well, the great amount of stress Gerard is facing would actually be pretty understandable.

Frank is willing to wait until their vacation time next month. By then, the school year will be finished for Gerard and Frank will have time off from the hospital and be finished with his classes and finals. Afterwards, he expects to start working with the Police force, since he followed his teachers' advice and is majoring to become a profiler, so he's hopeful about this final year in college. Having been so busy every day since September, he can't wait for the three weeks off, in July…. Three whole weeks at home with Gerard.

 

On the last Friday before their vacation time, Frank comes home late from working an afternoon shift at the hospital, as he had to go to school in the morning for an exam. He's tired but glad that he won't have to deal with the job for three weeks, and hopefully he'll succeed in getting good grades and eventually a nice position with the Police force. 

Today, he gets to the apartment and immediately knows that Gerard's home, from the abandoned jacket over the back of the couch, which Frank carefully picks up and hangs up by the door. It's always the same; Gerard never hangs it right, but always picks it up from the hanger like he had put it up there by himself. There is also an unwashed mug on the kitchenette counter and breadcrumbs on the table, typically Gerard's way to mark his passage through his afternoon snack.

Shaking his head, but smiling at the same time because this is Gerard being domestic and Frank loves him that way, Frank crosses the narrow hall to the bedrooms area. There are two, one of them being Gerard's office and, since the door is closed and Frank can hear shuffling inside, it means Gerard doesn't want to be disturbed. If the door was open, Frank would be allowed inside, but it's not and he respects Gerard's privacy. He's most likely working on some art, since his schoolwork has officially ended last week and the past seven days have been filled with teachers' meetings to discuss the final grades and such. Frank isn't at all bothered by the fact that Gerard wants to be on his own. He's always been this way.

Frank takes a quick shower and relaxes, his tense muscles unknotting beneath the water stream. His thoughts are only focused on how he's going to get something out of Gerard during their time off. The cold war between them can't be allowed to go on like this if they're going to be together 24/7 for three weeks, and especially because their summer vacation has always been about hanging out, sleeping until noon and having sex several times a week. Judging by the last months, these plans are most likely ruined and Frank wants to change that.

Afterwards, on his way to the bedroom to get dressed, Frank holds a hand over his heart and the tattoo of Gerard's name he has there. He can't get his mind off of him today.

"You're home." Frank gets pulled out of his thoughts by Gerard's voice. Gerard is just coming in to the bedroom, in dark jeans and a _Thrice_ t-shirt he borrowed from Frank over two years ago. It's tight on him, but Gerard seems to love it for some reason. And Frank loves seeing it on him. "How did it go this morning?"

"It was alright, I guess." Frank dismisses it with a gesture, smiling as Gerard approaches the bed and sits on it with a sigh. Frank walks closer to him and slides in between Gerard's legs, wrapping his arms around Gerard's shoulders and forgetting every drop of awkwardness for just a moment. Frank hums and holds Gerard against his bare chest, murmuring onto the top of Gerard's head, "Vacation time."

Gerard pulls back from the hug, but leaves a small kiss on Frank's collarbone. Frank rubs his hands over Gerard's shoulders and asks, "Do you wanna plan something special for our time off?"

They're at a point in their relationship that they're not really romantic anymore, because things have become natural for them, but Frank is a hopeless romantic and he likes the fluff. So he moves his open palms down Gerard's arms and grabs his hands, inspecting them attentively. He can perceive a couple of new age spots, mostly on the base of the fingers of his left hand and on his right palm. He leans his mouth against Gerard's forehead, smiling at this man that he grew up into adulthood with, and says, "Because I was thinking that we could forget everything that has been going on and enjoy this time off like we've always done. Nothing has to be different between us, right?"

Gerard nods and hums his agreement, but he replies, "I dunno. I'd rather not make any plans this time. We should decide what to do every day, see how it goes."

Frank smiles faintly, confused because Gerard was never like this. Their summers have always been half planned and they knew in advance what was going to happen when they were alone at home, be it the late breakfasts, the afternoons at the beach or the great sex at night, but it seems like it won't be the same this year round. Gerard's attitude confuses Frank a lot. He knows Gerard loves him and wishes Gerard would talk to him, that he would tell Frank what's wrong and if there's any problem, especially if it's related to _them_ , so Frank can either wait or pressure Gerard into talking.

Maybe these three weeks off will be good for them.

 

_July._

During the first few days, Gerard is really distant, closed up on himself like in a shell. On Saturday morning, he gets dressed and leaves the kitchen with only a slice of bread. Since he's dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants, Frank thinks he might be going out for a walk to the park nearby, which is only twenty minutes away from their building, and waits for him to come back to eat his own breakfast. However, when Gerard comes back almost an hour later, he ignores Frank, who is sitting at the table picking at his nails, and goes into the bathroom. Frank sees only the back of his body and hears the door closing. Gerard is behaving strangely again, and Frank shakes his head frustratedly in response and abruptly loses his appetite.

After an entire afternoon in the office, with the door always closed, Gerard comes out almost at dusk in Frank's _Thrice_ t-shirt again and makes small talk about that night. Frank's band has a show and, once he's on stage, Frank drowns every single worry in playing music with his friends. A few songs in, he notices that Gerard is not at the side of the stage anymore and Frank doesn't see him afterwards, and their car isn't where they parked it outside the club, so Frank stays with his friends and gets a ride home with them. They don't stay for more than a couple of hours, and Andy, the band's drummer, and his twin brother, Josh drive Frank home.

Once he gets inside the apartment, shaking his head at the thoughts of Gerard bailing out on him so cowardly, he takes a quick shower and goes to bed. Gerard is already there, lying on his side with his back turned to Frank's side of the bed, and his breathing suggests that he's already sleeping. Frank lies down on his back next to Gerard and closes his eyes, feeling really upset about tonight. A show night had never been so dissatisfying to him.

"Please, help him trust me. Help him understand that I'm not going anywhere without him," Frank prays selflessly into the empty air, trying to be as quiet as possible. He truly just wants Gerard to open up to him because this situation is upsetting. He gets an answer, but not from God.

Gerard turns around slowly and wraps an arm around Frank's middle, burying his face into the crook of Frank's neck. At first, Frank finds this weird, but he relaxes into it when Gerard breathes out onto his skin, saying, "Amen."

 

Sunday isn't much better. They go to Mass early in the morning, sitting on the pew next to each other, but Frank sneaks several looks towards Gerard and he's always looking ahead at the service taking place. He wears an uptight expression on his face the whole time. Something has to be bothering him. This is even clearer when, at the end of the service, Gerard asks Frank, "I wanna stay here for a moment. Alone. If that's okay."

Frank nods, respecting Gerard's privacy and his conversations to God, but watches from two pews behind. They're in such a strange situation right now, Gerard keeping to himself but showing signs that he wants to talk to Frank about whatever is going on with him at the moment. Frank says a prayer of his own, asks his grandmother what he's supposed to do, thinking back to last night and the tight embrace they shared in bed with no questions asked. He's so torn in between forcing Gerard to spill it out and waiting for him to take the first step, but he honestly doesn't know what exactly is the right thing.

Today is Gerard's mother's birthday and they spend the day with the Ways. The meal progresses nicely and in the afternoon, with Mikey, Alicia and their son, Anton in the house, Frank and Gerard spend the whole time playing with their nephew. It's almost too normal for them, but Frank doesn't want to ruin the day for Mrs. Way, the same way Gerard doesn't seem to want his family to know that things haven't been exactly easy for them. Still, Frank wonders if he has told Mikey about it, since they've been best friends since they were kids.

Back at home, they fall asleep early because of the tiring six hours drive to and from the Ways' house. The next day, Gerard goes out early in the morning in a t-shirt and sweatpants, not even acknowledging Frank's presence until lunch is ready. And in the afternoon, they spend time together making art or music or watching movies, but they're mostly quiet. Frank tries a different approach; he hugs Gerard from behind and kisses the back of his neck, but it only results in Gerard telling him, "Not right now, Frank."

The rejection hits Frank hard, but it doesn't deter him completely and he tries a second time later on, not giving up on convincing Gerard to go back to how they used to be. Last year, their summer was mostly spent at the beach and in bed, goofing off and cuddling and having sex as often as they could. This year, however, the response is always the same. Gerard won't let Frank touch him.

"Why don't you relax, Gerard?" Frank asks him softly, right before dinnertime. He wraps his arms around Gerard's middle and slides his hands under the front of the t-shirt he's wearing, caressing Gerard's belly. "Don't be so tense around me, I'm not gonna hurt you. I just wanna—"

Frank pushes forward until his front hits the back of Gerard's body and tries to cup Gerard's crotch sensually, but Gerard pulls at his wrist and stops him, saying rather coldly, "I'm not in the mood."

Sighing, Frank kisses Gerard's neck one last time, feeling the skin shiver and seeing the goosebumps growing on it when he pulls back, but Gerard doesn't respond otherwise to him. Frank doesn't want to stop being physically close to Gerard, but it feels like the only thing that works is ignoring each other's presence. It feels like Frank is walking on eggshells around Gerard. He's so confused and hurt, and it's so strange to live like this after seven years of being in a close relationship.

On Tuesday, Frank decides to try something else. He wakes up before Gerard and gets dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt that is Gerard's, not letting Gerard refuse his company for his jogging to the park today. Frank is going too and he smiles inwardly when he sees that Gerard puts on another of Frank's t-shirts, not even caring if it's too tight. That is, for Frank, a sign that things aren't as bad as he could think. And in the end, they come back home walking and holding hands, Frank avoiding any talk about Gerard's strange behavior around him in case he ruins everything, but at least they're doing things together and that is evident progress.

Wednesday is the day Frank's parents come to spend the afternoon with Frank and Gerard. They tell Frank about his grandfather's health state, since the elderly man has fallen sick a long time ago and is fading away day after day, refusing to let Frank visit him. They haven't resolved their issues just yet. Frank's grandfather still hasn't accepted that two men can love each other and live in peace, and Frank respects that and doesn't go see him, but it doesn't mean that he's not worried about the situation. It's his grandfather and they used to be really close, and Frank is hurting that he's so close to losing another grandparent.

The afternoon and dinner are not too bad, with Gerard being normal around Frank, even though there isn't much proximity between them. Frank finds his mother frowning at him like she has noticed something strange. At some point, she takes Frank aside and asks him, "Is everything alright with you and Gerard?"

Frank sighs, looking up at his mother's concerned gaze. "Gerard has been a little off, but I don't know why. He refuses to tell me if there's something wrong."

Frank's parents leave before the sun sets, Frank's mother hugging Frank close and telling him to call her if he needs anything, and afterwards Gerard invites Frank for a movie night. Gerard sits on the couch and Frank curls up against him, but it's not intimate or natural tonight. They're too rigid and quiet. 

When it's over and they go to bed, Frank watches Gerard as he lies on his side, his back to Frank again, and decides to intervene. "Gerard, talk to me. Is there something wrong? You've been so cold for months and lately we've mostly ignored each other. It was never like this. I wanna fix this, so tell me if there's something wrong."

"It's nothing, I just—" Gerard says with a sigh.

"Did I do something wrong? Do you think you've done something wrong? You used to tell me everything and now that's changed." Frank gets up on one elbow, even though Gerard keeps refusing to turn around and face him. He can just see over the curve of Gerard's shoulder and his delineated jaw, and there are also those lines around his eye that deepen when Gerard frowns.

Then, he murmurs, "It's complicated, Frank." It's so low that Frank takes a moment to consider how he should react. He can't be sure if Gerard said it so he would hear, but he still risks asking,

"Why?"

Gerard sighs and shifts on the bed to lie on his back, but keeps his eyes closed. Frank touches his chest because he wants to get closer to his boyfriend, and it catches Gerard's attention. He opens his eyes and they gaze at each other for a few moments.

Before they moved here, they were always attached to the hip, always cuddling in bed, kissing, caressing each other. Frank has always been a physically needy person, loving the proximity and the touches and the kisses, and their sex was always so frequent, but recently they've barely touched each other. Gerard jerked Frank off in February or so, Frank remembers it because it was cold and they were sleeping in pajamas under flannel sheets, a blanket and a feather duvet. Frank hasn't had an orgasm ever since because Gerard keeps turning Frank away whenever he initiates anything.

"Since you're not talking to me, let me love you. We haven't done anything in so long." Frank crawls over Gerard and wraps around his side, kissing his shoulder. "I miss you."

"I know, but please don't."

Frank stops and sits up, looking at Gerard. He feels stung by the outright rejection. "Don't you love me anymore?"

"I do, I do!" Gerard exclaims, moving at last. He sits up against the headboard and wraps his hands around Frank's arms lovingly, adding, "I love you just the same, Frank. This is just one of those situations that it's not—"

"Oh, I see. 'It's not you, it's me'." Gerard nods and lies back down, sliding under the light bedding. He sneaks one hand over Frank's thigh and it feels warm and inviting, so Frank leans down and pecks Gerard's cheek.

Gerard says, "I love you and I think you're beautiful; my feelings for you have only grown stronger over time. It's just that— I've been dealing with some issues and I don't know how—"

Frank frowns. "Is this seriously about the age difference? It was never a problem when I was eighteen, and you were a fucking priest at the time, so why does it bother you so much now? Forty-two is not old. What's the matter?"

"What if I do feel too old? I feel like I'm keeping you from living your life while you're in your twenties, and that's not fair. You're young and you're finishing college, and you have so much potential. You can do whatever you want with your time. You have the band, but you don't even hang out with them. You've had shows in great clubs in town and you never stay afterwards. You always come home with your old, boring boyfriend."

"What are you talking about? You're not old, and neither are you boring. Well, you've been annoying lately with this _'you're twenty-five years old, you should get wild'_ thing, but I don't like that kind of life, and none of my friends actually stays for much longer, so I don't need to stay and be wild or whatever. I chose to be with you for a reason," Frank retorts as he stares desperately into Gerard's eyes, fingers grazing Gerard's jaw tenderly. He is hoping that the message actually gets through to Gerard this time. He's been saying this so many times recently, and he really doesn't want to do this all over again. "I like coming home and staying inside with you, but not if we're fighting, that's for sure. I hate when we fight and it's all we have done for months. I don't wanna be anywhere else. Why can't you accept that all of a sudden?"

Gerard sighs, takes Frank's hand and pulls on it until Frank lies down next to him. Gerard apologizes and his voice sounds very sincere. "I've been kind of a shitty boyfriend, haven't I? Why am I complaining if I get to have you all to myself at home?"

Frank agrees that it's an excellent point and cuddles with Gerard, hoping that this conversation bears fruit for the rest of their vacation time.

"Maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis, or something," Gerard adds, wrapping an arm around Frank's stomach. He feels warm yet taut, which is strange after seven years, but Frank doesn't say anything else right now.

They need to make up for this situation, after over half a year of fighting over something as ridiculous as their age difference. Frank looks at Gerard, his eyes closed, his face relaxed: he can see those age lines around his mouth, eyes and forehead, and he knows there's that slightly pudgy stomach that Gerard hates, but Frank finds that totally normal. He doesn't think Gerard is any less stunning because of it. He loves first and foremost the person Gerard is. Everything else is secondary. Frank just needs to prove that to him, but if wanting to be with Gerard doesn't work, what will?

 

On Thursday, their mood is rather different. They go jogging, they cook and eat lunch together, and only get out of each other's hair during the afternoon. Gerard goes straight into the office, but Frank goes to the bedroom and notices that Gerard left the door ajar. He lies on the bed, trying to choose what to do that day, trying to decide if he should join Gerard or not, but he falls asleep before he gets to a decision. When he wakes up, barely an hour later, Frank sits on Gerard's side of the bed, turned to the French doors that lead to the balcony, which connects the bedroom to the living room. He takes a swift glance at the corner between the bed and the wall.

It's pretty much a copy of Gerard's peace corner, the one Frank saw at Gerard's house, years ago when Frank went to his house to do research for an essay for school. It has the same wooden cross, the pearl white rosary and the three Bibles, except now it's _their_ corner.

Frank kneels down for a moment, considering all the things that have been happening lately. He doesn't wonder how God sees them right now because he knows He is very tolerant and merciful and that His plan will eventually follow through. Frank just needs to be patient and try to get the best of this relationship, of Gerard, and do his best as well. There seems to be a deep need of trust in the situation they're going through at the moment, and he does believe that Gerard will tell him about what's going on. Frank might have to intervene, but only minimally.

After a short conversation with his grandmother, who he still talks to very often, Frank gets up and picks up the book on his nightstand, sitting down on the mat they have in the corner. Frank leans against the bed and continues reading this book; it's one of Gerard's. It's been seven years into this relationship and Frank still hasn't finished Gerard's huge collection yet. He reads a lot today and he doesn't stop until it's dinnertime. Then, he knocks on the office door and asks Gerard what he wants for dinner, but Gerard doesn't want to choose, so, grinning and shaking his head at Gerard's indecision, Frank selects the menu for tonight and cooks it alone. Later on, they eat it out on the balcony, sitting on the kitchen chairs that Frank put out there before he called Gerard over.

That night, they watch a game show on prime time TV and then, they kneel by the armoire under the television set and choose a horror movie to watch. As it rolls on the screen, Gerard starts leaning his head over Frank's shoulder, as he's falling asleep, but Frank keeps nudging him and waking him up with a smile. He decides they're going to bed before the movie ends, because this isn't working for them.

Frank goes to the bathroom first. It's late, yet he doesn't feel like he could sleep due to the unexpected nap he took in the afternoon, but he goes to the bedroom and gets ready for bed nonetheless. He finds Gerard there, lying down over the bedding.

"Come here," says Gerard, beckoning Frank close by stretching an arm. Frank notices that his eyes are shining and he realizes that he hasn't seen that look in a long time.

There's anticipation in Gerard's eyes, like he means to do something to Frank. It's the same look from when they used to have sex, curled around each other, loving each other. Frank obeys, but doesn't stop looking into Gerard's eyes, climbing onto the bed slowly. Once he's close enough, Frank kisses Gerard's lips and curls one arm around him. They have barely touched each other sexually since they moved in, except that handjob in February and a few scarce kisses over time, even though Frank has tried to get something out of Gerard very often, but tonight Frank is willing to try again.

He starts by kissing Gerard harder, pressing onto his lips with his tongue and as Gerard's mouth opens under Frank's, Gerard hums and drapes one hand over the back of Frank's neck, the other around Frank's hips.

Frank moans and slides further over the sheet, skimming his leg over Gerard's body, moving his knee upward until he rubs against Gerard's crotch. He wants to see if there's any reaction, but Gerard only rolls them around and lies on top of Frank. He lets it happen, lets Gerard trap his hands against the mattress and roll his hips over Frank's cock until he's hard. Frank loses himself in this pleasure of being loved by Gerard, moaning as Gerard kisses down his chest and stomach and then on his cock.

Sucking Frank off is quick tonight, but it's nothing less than an amazing blowjob, because Gerard has not lost any of his abilities with his tongue. It's still heavy and wet and down to the point, right where Frank likes it and where it makes Frank moan and thrash on the bed, driving Frank mad with his skills. When he comes, he pulls Gerard back on top of him, kissing his mouth and sliding a hand down his shorts, trying to reciprocate. Gerard, however, gets off of Frank gently and lies back on his side, on the mattress.

"Don't worry about it," he says with a sigh, closing his eyes and staying at an arm's distance from Frank. Apparently, their proximity tonight is over again.

Of course Frank is worried, though and he slides a hand over Gerard's side and over his crotch again, getting a feel of it, but he finds no erection there. Gerard is not hard, not even after sucking Frank off, which used to put him in overdrive and Frank never took too long getting him off afterwards. Tonight, Frank tries to be smooth and wraps one hand around Gerard's cock, as he keeps his eyes closed and sighs every once in a while. He kisses Gerard again and curls his leg around Gerard's, trying to get him hard, but nothing happens. Gerard even takes Frank's hand away after a while, sighing deeper.

"Just— Don't bother," Gerard says, but his voice doesn't fool Frank. He sounds terribly sad.

"Is everything alright?" Frank interrupts, truly concerned. Could Gerard's problem be so bad that if he thinks too much about it, his body won't let him perform sexually? Frank caresses his face, thumbing at Gerard's cheekbone and whispers, "I'll always be here for you, so don't be afraid to talk to me. I love you, Gerard."

Frank wraps it up with a small kiss on Gerard's lips, but he doesn't get any other form of reply. Frank lets it go for now and pecks Gerard's cheek, turning around so that Gerard can spoon behind him with his face buried in Frank's messy hair.

Neither of them says anything else, but Frank wonders what is wrong with Gerard. Now that he really thinks about it, back in February, Gerard jerked Frank off, but Frank didn't do anything in return because Gerard refused to let Frank touch his dick. There's something more to this and Frank will find out what it is, and most importantly he'll make Gerard talk about it. This silence won't solve anything.

 

On Friday night, Frank surprises Gerard by getting into the bathroom when he's in the shower. He wants to try every possible approach to either get Gerard hard or get a reaction from him. Tonight, they wash each other off, but Frank gets really sensual while doing it. He wants to test Gerard's body.

Frank drops to his knees and washes Gerard's legs, eyes locked on Gerard's fretful gaze, then moves both hands over his ass, massaging his muscles and grasping them tight. Moving forward to his crotch, Frank semi-closes his eyes and drops small kisses on Gerard's stomach as he lathers the soap softly. Frank's hard afterwards, but Gerard is just blushing and avoiding Frank's touch. Gerard is not hard at all.

It has crossed Frank's mind that maybe Gerard's problem was affecting his ability to get hard, but could that be the actual problem? Could Gerard be so cold with Frank because he can't get hard? As far as Frank is aware, men are known for this kind of problem after a certain age, so it isn't uncommon, but he understands that it can be embarrassing. He realizes that it's a powerful reason to make Gerard believe that he no longer is good enough for Frank, since Frank is only twenty-five and has always been very fond of sex. With that image from the past in his mind, of loving Gerard in bed for hours, Frank wants to take matters into his own hands.

They have two more weeks at home alone, so he will either get Gerard hard by being persistent, or he will make Gerard admit what's wrong by pushing his buttons. Talking about it will be a big step for Gerard, since he rarely admits that something is wrong with him until it's either fixed or unavoidable. For now, though, they lie in bed and when Gerard falls asleep after only a few minutes, Frank lies there wondering how he can push Gerard into talking about his problems.

He doesn't do anything until Sunday night. They've been at home for a few hours, after they spent the weekend at the beach. Frank told his mother he wanted to go to the house his parents have bought by the shore years ago, where they used to spend their summers when Frank was a kid, and Gerard was agreeable. It was meant for them to be alone in a place that wasn't their apartment, but it was rather uneventful.

So on Sunday night, Frank takes a shower last and, when he leaves the bathroom, Gerard is in the office. The door is closed, so Frank goes to the bedroom and waits for him there, reading his book. When Gerard finally gets to the room, rubbing the back of his neck and yawning, in shorts and a t-shirt, Frank closes the book and smiles at him. He asks, "Are you coming to bed?"

Gerard yawns again and hums, before he says, "It's late and I'm tired from driving back from the beach. We might not have done much at the house, but it feels like it was exhausting." He sits down on the bed and rolls his shoulders uncomfortably, groaning, and Frank has an idea.

"Let me help you relax," he says in a low voice, getting up on his knees. He approaches Gerard from behind and places his hands on Gerard's shoulders, massaging them softly.

"I'd rather go to sleep," Gerard kind of whines, but Frank knows better and shushes him.

"Don't say that, Gerard. We don't have to be so cold. Let me love you like this. Our summer vacations were always about us, being alone, staying in bed, going to the beach, but this year you're different," Frank says in a soft voice, trying to relax Gerard's soul as he massages his muscles. He might not know a lot about this, but he can feel how tense Gerard is and he does know how tiring driving for hours can be. Frank offered a million times to drive as soon as Gerard started showing signs of exhaustion, but he'd always refused to let Frank get behind the wheel, so it's pretty understandable why he's so tired. Frank is, however, willing to help Gerard feel at least a little better. "Why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

They don't say anything else as Frank massages Gerard's shoulders and the back of his neck and down his back, but Gerard does hum appreciatively once in a while. He sounds rather pleased and Frank doesn't stop until he's rather drowsy himself. He hopes Gerard has used this silent moment to think things through, because that's the way he's always been.

In the morning, though, Frank realizes just how much Gerard has considered his issues. When they go jogging together again, they sit down at the park and Gerard says, "I thought about us last night and I have something to tell you, Frank."

After a small pause, with Frank staring into his eyes quite attentively, Gerard sighs and continues, "There is something wrong with me, I can't lie about that anymore. I will never be able to fool you, and I don't want to. But this issue that I'm currently dealing with — it's personal and complicated and, combined with the stress of teaching a senior class, it was straining me, driving me crazy. Now that I'm off from work, I want to tell you about it, but I need to gather up enough courage first."

"That's good enough for me. I just hate when you keep everything to yourself, because you don't have to carry any burdens on your own. You should open up to me about everything. That's the way we always said it would be, right?" Frank intervenes with arched eyebrows. He just wants to show Gerard that he cares and that he will do anything to support him. They've been together for a while and this relationship is very important to Frank. It's the only relationship he's ever been in and he would hate to see it fade away or just disappear. So he concludes by saying, "We're a duo."

"Yes. We're a duo," Gerard agrees, looking down at his lap.

Frank follows his eyes and smiles when Gerard lines up their hands and holds Frank's in his. His much larger palm feels safe and reassuring, and Frank has always loved how they have both always talked with their hands. Gerard's have not only made Frank feel beautiful just from their touch, but they've also been a shelter when he needed to cope with something difficult. With that thought in mind, Frank nudges Gerard's jaw with his nose and asks, "There's no reason to be awkward with me, Gerard. You can trust me."

Gerard nods, solemnly, but he's also smiling. "I know."

"Good," Frank says honestly. He really means it. He wants Gerard to be comfortable with whatever trouble he's coping with right now because Frank will be here for him whenever he needs. "Let's go home. I want to prepare you a nice, big lunch."

Smiling and holding hands, Frank and Gerard get up and walk back home. Frank is glad that Gerard is finally taking a step forward, admitting that something is bothering him.

 

Starting from that same afternoon, Frank and Gerard spend more time together, either making art or playing around with music programs on the computer, and watching movies or reading books; just hanging out together. It goes on through Thursday and they end up rediscovering each other, opening up all over again except about that issue that Gerard is still hiding, but Frank doesn't press him about it. In their way, they forget the recently built boundaries and just _are_ together. It's still careful and not as normal as Frank would hope for, but it's better than the previous months.

By Wednesday night, they're in the living room watching a movie on the TV set with the French doors to the balcony open and the blinds up, the starry summer sky watching them from outside as they cuddle on the couch.

Thursday night starts a sequence of three shows. Tonight, it's energetic as always; Frank is pumped on stage and they have an exciting setlist, and the crowd is very lively and cheers the band on. Afterwards, the after party is filled with people and Frank tells Gerard that he's going to stay at the party with the rest of his band and their fans. There is a glint in Gerard's eyes when he kisses Frank goodbye that makes Frank feel like he just offered the world to his boyfriend. And he loves making Gerard happy.

While on Friday night the same thing happens, with Frank's friends driving Frank home a few hours after the show and Frank finding Gerard already in bed, Saturday is pretty different. Well, the show is equally amazing; Frank feels unstoppable and keeps looking at Gerard, who is watching the show from the side of the stage, nodding his head and tapping his foot to the rhythm, looking so damn good in those jeans. He bought them recently for the summer and they're still snug from being new, especially around Gerard's hips and thighs and, after the spotlight of a live show and after those two great nights, Frank is very hot and _horny._

They go home together after Frank talks to people at the after party for a few minutes and tells his friends that he needs to go home tonight, which isn't a bother to them. Gerard kind of frowns at Frank for leaving the party tonight, but Frank mumbles something about having stayed for the last two nights and kisses Gerard, _hard_. Frank rubs any part of Gerard's body he can reach on their way to the car, palming at Gerard's ass, rubbing across the line of his hips, trying to mouth at Gerard's anything.

"Frank, what are you doing?" Gerard asks once they get to the car and Frank pushes him against it before he opens the driver's door. Frank grins at him and pecks his lips, but turns around and walks to the other side of the car, opening the door and getting inside.

Once they're both inside, they buckle up and Frank turns to Gerard with the same wide grin. He says, "I want you to fuck me tonight. It's been so long and this week has been so special…." He leans forward a bit to cup Gerard's crotch and squeeze it, but Gerard takes his hand away by the wrist and puts it away.

"I'll think about it," he says, starting the car and putting it in motion. Frank doesn't give up, though, and moves his hand to Gerard's thigh, grasping the flesh and looking at his profile quite intently. He wants to get something out of Gerard and it will either happen tonight or not happen at all.

"C'mon, Gerard," Frank insists, leaning further and mouthing at Gerard's ear. He plays with Gerard's earlobe, rolling his tongue over it and pulling it with his teeth. He moans to cause a reaction and well, Gerard shifts a little on his seat. He's definitely bothered by Frank's actions.

"Alright," Gerard seems to give in, making Frank smirk at him and sit back. "But at home, okay?" Frank nods, but he feels impatient and keeps his hand on Gerard's thigh. He's slightly restless because he's so heated up from the show and the prospective of having sex again, after a few nights of merely getting off and not being allowed to offer something in return. And although he isn't fully hard yet, Frank keeps adjusting his cock in his pants because he's so anxious for this and he feels like tonight is going to be special.

As soon as they're in the apartment, Frank kisses Gerard and starts taking Gerard's clothes off. Well, he unbuttons Gerard's shirt and jeans, then they take their shoes off by the bedroom door and Frank pushes Gerard onto the bed. Gerard falls back with his pants open and his chest showing; it's gorgeous to Frank, pale and smooth and, despite the slight belly Gerard is trying to get rid of, it's a sight that Frank loves. Gerard is definitely not old; he's beautiful.

Frank undresses in front of him, as sensually as he can, and finally removes his briefs, revealing his hard-on. His cock bobbles slightly as he walks towards the bed, but Frank is focused on Gerard, who is lying on the bed, supporting his weight with his elbows. He has that old look of anticipation in his eyes, so Frank knows he won't be rejected tonight. In fact, Gerard doesn't let Frank take his clothes off; he just grabs Frank's shoulders when he leans in for a kiss and turns them around. Frank lies on his back and accepts Gerard's kiss and the bite on his lips, accepts Gerard's mouth down his chest and Gerard's hand around his length.

Pulling Gerard in for a hot kiss, Frank dives his hand into Gerard's pants and wraps it around Gerard's dick, but once again there is no erection. Frank doesn't let go, though; he keeps moving his hand while Gerard jerks him off, trying to get Gerard hard or bring him some kind of pleasure. In the end, Frank comes and shouts in bliss, leaning his head back on the mattress. They're lying across the bed and Frank wants to get a better hold of Gerard's cock, but Gerard moves away before Frank can reach out for him.

Gerard gets up from the bed, but Frank grabs his hand and pulls him back in. "Where are you going? We're not finished here. I didn't even—"

"It's alright. You don't have to."

"What do you mean, I don't have to? I want to." Frank kneels on the bed and pulls him close. Tonight, Frank won't let Gerard get out of this. He has to question Gerard about it.

"It's alright, don't worry," Gerard says and tries to leave the bedroom, but Frank pulls harder on his arm and doesn't let him move.

"What's wrong with you?" he asks, trying to control his tone of voice. He's decided to get an answer tonight, but he doesn't want to sound angry. Frank moves a hand to cup Gerard's crotch, but he isn't hard at all. He never was while Frank was working his hand around his dick, the same way he never was every time Frank tried to give him some pleasure this year. "You'd better start talking. Why aren't you hard? We just—"

"Why is it so hard for you to accept that I don't want to talk about it?" Gerard bursts out, not exactly in a yell, but sounding quite harsh. It makes it seem like Frank is doing something wrong, when in fact he's just trying to communicate. That's something they did a lot before they moved here.

"Because I love you and I'm worried about you! Why don't you trust me? It's not like I'm going to judge you, you know me better than that! Are you having personal doubts? Or is this a physical issue? Just tell me what it is so we can fucking _fix it._ "

Gerard pulls his arm away from Frank's grasp and he stares at Frank with a hurtful look. Frank reads some embarrassment deep in his expression and he understands that Gerard might not feel confident about whatever is going on, since it's affecting his sexual performance. Did it start because he was stressed about the school year? Is it because of the age difference? Or is Gerard having doubts about their relationship? Frank just wants an answer from him. That can't be asking for too much, right?

"Gerard! Talk to me!" Frank exclaims, jumping out of bed when Gerard turns around and following him to the bathroom. The door is closed before Frank gets there, and he can hear the lock being turned from where he's standing. He knocks on the door and lowers his voice, trying to show Gerard that he isn't mad. Frank is truly worried and in need of an explanation.

"Please, Gerard, don't shut me out," he begs softly, knocking on the bathroom one last time. His persistence decreases when there's no noise coming through the door. Maybe Gerard is considering coming out, so Frank waits patiently. He restarts knocking on the door after a while, just trying to get Gerard out of there.

The lock turns then and the door opens, Gerard standing there with his clothes buttoned up again and sadness sculpted across his face. Frank worries even more when he sees Gerard like this, and tries to grab his hand and call his name, but Gerard pushes past him and goes into the bedroom. Frank calls his name and begs for an answer, but Gerard is quiet as he puts on his sneakers.

"Where are you going?" Frank asks him, sighing. He gives up on demanding another type of response from Gerard.

"I need to be alone for a while," Gerard replies, turning away from Frank and leaving the bedroom quickly.

Frank hears the front door closing with a bang shortly after. "Fuck."

He goes back to the bedroom and slips on his underwear before he sits in their peace corner and grabs Gerard's pearl white rosary. It has always been the way to be close to Gerard when he's not in the house, but Frank has never needed it so desperately. There is so much he fears about his relationship with Gerard right now and he wonders if he has jeopardized it by being so persistent with this issue. He doesn't know what else to do though.

Gerard always shuts him out when there's something bothering him and Frank has always been the one insisting with him to talk about it, to get them closer to a solution. This time, however, it's not working. Maybe Frank hasn't been persistent enough, or maybe he's using the wrong methods. He simply can't help but think about the reason why Gerard has been like this. It's pretty clear that it's about his sexual performance, since he has refused Frank's touch for such a long time, but is it because he's too stressed about something? Or has he lost interest in sex with Frank because he thinks he's too old? Or is there something more serious regarding his physical condition?

Frank doesn't have an answer and he clutches the rosary in between his hands, pressing them hard against his chest and praying. He loves Gerard more than anything, has always had enough faith in their relationship, but this year has been really difficult, so he kneels there in silence and talks to his grandmother. He wishes she had an answer for him, or a way to deliver him that message, but nothing comes.

At least, until the front door opens again.

By then, Frank is already in bed, lying down on his side, waiting for Gerard with the rosary still in his hands. The beads rattle whenever Frank moves. There are also noises echoing through the apartment as Gerard moves around, and Frank wants to get up to see what he's doing, but decides against it. He just waits because eventually Gerard will come to bed.

Except he doesn't.

 

The last week of vacation starts really badly. Sunday morning is very awkward and Gerard is already in the office when Frank wakes up, feeling tired and broken. Gerard doesn't even reply when Frank knocks on the office door and asks if he wants to come to Mass.

At the church, Frank sits on a pew alone, holding the pearl white rosary, but he keeps looking to his left hoping to see Gerard there. There is no one, though, and the church feels suddenly empty and scary without him there. Frank stays there for at least an hour after the service ends. He doesn't pray, doesn't talk to God or his grandmother, and he doesn't think about Gerard. He just kneels there with his hands tight around the pearl white rosary, his mind blank, and his lips pressed into a thin, tense line.

Back at home, Frank tries to get into the office so he can talk to Gerard, but the door is locked. There's a tight feeling in his chest and tears threaten to fill his eyes, but he swallows down his weakness and waits for Gerard to be ready to talk. He ends up sitting in the living room rereading parts of his favorite book, _Brideshead Revisited_. He needs to drown in something he knows really well, so that he doesn't think of anything else but how happy he is to have found this beautiful piece of literature early in life.

He has lunch on his own, listening to the loud noises coming from inside the office. Frank feels betrayed throughout the meal and he doesn't even finish eating, standing up and staring at the locked office door. He has his fists clenched in anger, wanting to knock furiously on the door and demand that Gerard opens up the door and talks to him, but he eventually just shakes his head and walks away. He needs a shower.

Later on, Frank leaves a note on the kitchen table stating where he's going, in case Gerard has forgotten that this was planned. He has a meeting with the band and their manager to discuss a possible nationwide tour. Frank only comes back around dinnertime and Gerard is at the table eating a salad, but the moment Frank comes into the kitchen, Gerard picks up his bowl and goes back into the office, ignoring Frank's purely cordial greeting.

The sound of the lock echoes through the house in between Frank's calls of Gerard's name.

In the living room, Frank eats nothing but a sandwich and watches a movie on repeat, one of his favorites so that he barely has to pay attention, until Gerard comes out of the office. While he waits, sitting on the couch, he doesn't give himself any time to think things through. He gets gradually angry at Gerard for hiding from him when something clearly happened last night, and tells himself that they can no longer live without talking about this. Gerard is going to talk tonight, whether he wants it or not.

So it's not really a surprise when Frank jumps up from the couch as soon as he hears the office door opening. He rushes after Gerard towards the bedroom and snaps at him, going straight to the point. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Gerard ignores Frank, though, taking off his sweatpants and sliding into the pair of shorts he usually sleeps in. "Gerard, look at me. It's been too long. You have to talk to me."

But Gerard still doesn't reply. He takes his t-shirt off and opens one of the two drawers on the lowest part of their closet, where he keeps his t-shirts. Frank squints at his back because Gerard won't turn around and face him, and that is not acceptable. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

Frank wraps a hand around Gerard's arm, forcing him to spin on his heels. They're finally face to face and the miserable look in Gerard's face terrifies Frank. He doesn't know exactly what he should do, but he's angry now and there's no way to stop the words from coming out. "You locked yourself in the office the whole day and didn't even go to Mass. You act like everything is normal when we're with our family, putting up a show for them like they don't need to know the truth. What's going on? Why didn't you let me touch you last night?"

Gerard is still quiet, but his grip tightens on the t-shirt he's holding. Frank starts to think that he has hit right where it hurts Gerard. "Is this about sex? Do you not want to have sex anymore?"

There is still no response from Gerard and it pisses Frank off. "Fucking talk to me!"

Frank pushes Gerard back and the t-shirt falls from his hands, but Gerard only stares back at Frank, unresponsive. However, Frank can kind of hear his teeth gnashing, and sees a muscle twitching in Gerard's jaw as he tenses and, when Gerard starts speaking, it's with a mix of anger and sadness. "I want to have sex with you, Frank, of course I do, but the thing is¬, I no longer can. And I wish you'd leave it alone. It can't be that fucking hard."

"I've left it alone for months and it hasn't made you talk about it, so no. I won't do that anymore. Either talk to me or ask me to leave." Frank says firmly. They stare at each other for a few moments, in silence. Gerard shakes his head, sitting on the bed, twisting his body so his back is turned to Frank again.

"Fine. Be that way!" Frank growls, turning around to leave. He hesitates in the living room as he picks up his cell phone from where he had left it on the coffee table, but Gerard doesn't come after him. He considers going out to think about the best approach to their situation, but he doesn't want to run away. He wants to give Gerard his space, but he doesn't need to leave the house.

He chooses to get a chair from the kitchenette and move it into the balcony, sitting there with his elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands. He takes a few deep breaths and feels the angry tears filling his eyes again, but wipes them away before he frustrates himself for crying over something that isn't his fault.

When he's calm, Frank takes some time to think about what just happened. Gerard did reveal something tonight. He said he no longer can have sex, even though he wants to. Frank had figured that out before, but he wants to help him solve this situation. If only Gerard talked to him and let him help.

He spends what feels like hours sitting in the balcony. The night breeze blows cold on his arms tonight and Frank gives up thinking of the best way to make Gerard talk. Maybe it will be better to tackle the root of the problem. If he can't make Gerard talk about this, then Frank is going to try to fix it. He's going to come up with a plan to get Gerard's dick back in action.

First, though, he needs to relax and let this half fight slip off of his mind. He goes back inside when his mind is cleared, and he feels confident about this new plan. He just hopes for a chance to get it done and succeed, and get Gerard hard and make him interested in Frank again after so long.

The lights are still on in the bedroom. Frank goes in and finds Gerard kneeling in front of their peace corner. This corner is much more special now and sometimes they sit around it together, reflecting, but as Frank sometimes uses it to pray directly to God, he knows Gerard does the same. And he's there right now, with the Bible in English opened in his palms, but Frank notices that Gerard's eyes are closed.

Frank kind of hesitates for a second, but ends up kneeling down next to Gerard. Frank crosses himself and waits for something. With his open palms resting on his thighs, his eyes closed, he doesn't think of anything in particular. He can hear Gerard mumbling, not understanding any words, but after a while Frank isn't angry anymore because he knows that whatever problem Gerard has, it can't be his fault.

Frank opens his eyes and drapes a hand over Gerard's, the one that is on his lap. Gerard doesn't move away and Frank slides his hand under Gerard's larger, older, softer palm and holds it in his, intertwining their fingers tightly. They stay like that for a long moment, feeling the peace of their corner and holding hands, and this feels really natural to Frank, but he needs to say something first. "Gerard?"

Gerard hums in acknowledgement and Frank looks down at their hands to continue, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I wanted to make you talk, but you don't want to. And it's not my place to oblige you. I'll give you everything you need, but please—"

He looks up and Gerard is staring at him, his eyes filled with emotions. Frank asks of him something that he has asked him before, pleading, "Please, don't shut me out anymore. I love you."

Gerard puts the Bible down and slides his free hand over Frank's cheek, so sweetly that Frank closes his eyes under this divine touch. Gerard whispers to him, "I love you too. I'm sorry I can't—"

"Shhh. We'll figure something out," Frank shushes him, leaning forward until they let go of each other's hands and hug tightly. Frank wants much more, though, and nudges at Gerard's jaw with his nose.

When Gerard's face is in the perfect angle, Frank kisses him softly, his lips pressed tight against Gerard's and the tip of Gerard's tongue pushing into his mouth. Frank crawls over Gerard's lap and wraps an arm around his neck, the other hand resting over his heart, feeling its steady beat, as they make out lovingly. Frank still loves these kisses very much and sighs because he has missed the part of Gerard that is sweet and affectionate. With their chests pressed together and Gerard's arms tight around Frank's torso, Gerard hums insistently and slides his hands to Frank's ass, squeezing the flesh over the jeans.

He says, "I want you so much, Frank, you have no idea. I crave for your touch every single day. I burn when you're not with me, but I can't—" Gerard buries his face in Frank's neck, but Frank can't really tell his exact message. If Gerard can't get hard, Frank can't judge him for feeling embarrassed; he can only be the understanding person he's been so far.

"There are so many ways you can touch me," Frank whispers into Gerard's ear, making Gerard moan and squeeze Frank's ass. It feels good, but not to the point of sexual need. First and foremost, Gerard needs to be comforted and Frank shall provide him that the best way he can.

Gerard interrupts Frank's thoughts with a kiss, but stops it abruptly so that they can get up. Once they're standing by the bed, Frank pulls Gerard close for a kiss and lets him take his clothes off. Then they lie down on the bed together, Frank naked, Gerard in a t-shirt and shorts, and they make out until they're tired and it's late.

Right before he falls asleep, Frank is lost in Gerard's embrace and smiles at tonight's progress. Maybe he still doesn't know exactly what is wrong with Gerard, but they just had a beautiful moment of intimacy.

 

The next day, a Monday, Frank wakes up early and Gerard is still sleeping. Last night, Frank had lain there just like this, watching Gerard sleep, wondering what he could do to stimulate Gerard's body. He had a few random ideas and he hopes they will take him somewhere, not to any more fights. He wants to make Gerard comfortable with Frank, not make him mad.

This morning, Frank's morning wood is perfect for his plan, but first he needs to check that Gerard is on the same boat. He didn't get hard before, but maybe that's not the rule for morning erections. Frank knows those come naturally in a man's state of sleep, but when he slides a hand to Gerard's front, Gerard is not hard.

Frank gets out of bed and walks to Gerard's side, kneeling on the floor, pulling the covers back and taking Gerard's limp cock in his hand. He works on it until Gerard wakes up, but he gets no results. Gerard doesn't get hard. He only grabs Frank's wrist, makes him stop and faces away from Frank.

Frank doesn't get upset over this attitude, but he's truly concerned about Gerard, so he gets dressed and goes to Gerard's office, leaving his working desk alone with Gerard's art material on it and sitting at the desk with the laptop, wanting to do research on the issue Gerard is going through at the moment.

What Frank reads is not problematic, because erectile dysfunction is treatable in every man if they persist on a treatment, but he also finds out that it can have many causes, including too much stress or even the constant worrying about one's sexual performance because apparently one's mind can inhibit the body from functioning correctly. Therefore, Frank's plan is even more likely to be successful.

He leaves his research behind when the information he gathers becomes repetitive and works on more ideas to surprise Gerard and change the course of their relationship.

In the afternoon, as Gerard goes into the office, Frank goes out for a walk. He gets his cell phone out from his pants pocket and calls Dr. Conan, the doctor he works with, explaining the situation as much as he can and asking for advice on how to tackle the issue. Dr. Conan sends him a text message with the name and number of a friend of his, and Frank calls the recommended urologist right away and they talk briefly. Dr. Yarn tells Frank that the information he found online is very accurate and that worrying about one's sexual performance can cause a dysfunction in one's abilities, and that working as a couple can make things right again if the problem isn't very developed.

Satisfied with this call, Frank stops at a café and sits at one of the tables outside to soak up some sunlight. He tells the waitress that he's waiting for someone. Then, he calls Gerard and asks him to meet up for a snack together, which Gerard accepts. There's a smile on his face when he appears in front of Frank, blocking the sun for a second until he sits down and, sipping on their ordered mocha lattes, Frank asks Gerard to tell him about the art he's been working on.

They go out for dinner that night as well and it's very relaxed. Gerard holds Frank's hand as they walk back home, a long time after the sun has set.

 

Tuesday turns out to be a very hot day. Frank wakes up late and Gerard isn't in bed, but he isn't in the office either, so he can only have gone for his daily summer morning jog. Before he gets back, Frank thinks of what he can do today, drinking a mug full of coffee and eating buttered bread toast.

Frank is checking an email from the band manager when he hears the door opening and gets up immediately, walking out of the office and into the living room. When Gerard sees him, he stops and blinks, staring at Frank because Frank is _naked._

Frank decided to stay indoors today and will walk around the house with no clothes on. Gerard is still standing by the open door and someone outside is walking down the stairs, flip flops echoing loud as it hits the floor, and Gerard finally shuts the door with a hasty bang. Frank giggles at him.

Gerard frowns questioningly and says, "What are you doing?"

"I was just checking my email, but I heard the door and wanted to greet you with a morning kiss," Frank replies and does so, pecking Gerard's cheek tenderly. Gerard feels hot and sweaty, but that doesn't deter Frank. Then, he points out, "You took a longer jog this morning."

"Oh yes, sorry. I — uh," Gerard stutters for a while, never taking his eyes away from Frank's. This is a good sign that Gerard is no longer afraid of facing Frank. "I sat at the park for a while, just thinking about last night."

"It was amazing, wasn't it? Thank you for going out with me," Frank says kind of dreamily and embraces Gerard, pecking his lips until he hums contentedly.

"It was my pleasure. I loved it and it's been too long since—" Gerard interrupts himself and clears his throat. He is slightly fidgety, and Frank realizes that he is still nervous about mentioning their previous months, but he understands that. "Well, since the last time we did something like that, so comfortably. But anyway, what's this? Why are you naked?"

"Well, it's really, really hot today and I just didn't feel like putting clothes on. I thought you'd like it, too." Frank grins.

"Sure, I like it. I never said that I didn't, but I just don't understand why you'd wait for me in the nude."

"Don't make a huge deal out of it." Frank steps away from Gerard and takes a few steps towards the office, turning his back to Gerard, but he turns his head around to suggest, "Do you wanna join me?"

Gerard laughs gaily. "I'd rather cook lunch with my clothes on."

"We can always order take out!" Frank exclaims, wiggling his eyebrows. He's leaning on one elbow against the doorway to the office and winks at Gerard, who is standing there with that anticipation in his eyes, looking Frank up and down, taking Frank in, but Frank chooses to ignore it. Nothing is going to happen today until Gerard makes a move first.

"And who's gonna open the door to the delivery guy?" Gerard asks, sounding like he's not amused anymore.

Frank laughs, watching Gerard as he gets the pamphlet with their favorite take out possibilities from on top of the fridge. They choose something to eat and make the call. Afterwards, Frank drags Gerard to the bedroom to take his clothes off as well and then, Frank answers the door to the delivery guy completely naked before Gerard can stop him. Gerard just stays behind and after the guy's gone, Frank finds him hiding in the corner between the hall and the entrance area, blushing.

The rest of the day can't go any better than a movie marathon in the living room and putting on aprons to cook dinner, and eating in the balcony as the sun burns orange in the horizon.

And the easy ambiance between them goes on through Wednesday. Both of them go jogging in the morning, then shower together and don't get dressed afterwards until it's time to go out. Frank has a show to play tonight and Gerard comes along, and they stay at the club until it's late and Frank is drunk. Gerard drank a bit too, but he's merely tipsy because he has to drive them home safely. When they go to bed, naked all over again, Frank slurs to Gerard, "I love you so much, Gerard. Thanks for supporting my band and for giving me these wonderful moments in life. You make me so happy. I don't ever want to leave you, okay? So don't ever leave me either."

"I won't, Frank. I promise."

Frank hums and falls asleep, with his head comfortably placed on Gerard's shoulder.

 

Thursday morning, Frank wakes up all of a sudden and his first thought is that he's hard. He might have had a dream, but he doesn't remember anything in particular, but his cock is heavy and his skin is damp. He looks to the side and Gerard is still sleeping, lying on his back with his mouth slightly open and emitting a low snore. Frank remembers one of his ideas and takes a hand to Gerard's crotch, finding it not hard, which still concerns him. He kisses Gerard's face, bites his neck, rubs his skin, wanting to wake Gerard up. When Gerard starts mumbling and Frank is sure he won't go back to sleep, he sits up, leans back against his pillow and wraps a hand around his own cock, jerking off.

He keeps looking at Gerard as he works over his hard dick, moaning Gerard's name softly once in a while. When Gerard catches his gaze, finally awake, Frank doesn't look away. Gerard doesn't even react; he just holds a confused look in his eyes, which then turns into utter anticipation as he watches, looking Frank up and down. Frank keeps jerking off, moaning and humming and keeping his eyes open, showing Gerard how good he feels. Gerard has always had a kink for watching Frank masturbating, struggling to keep his eyes open as pleasure takes over his entire body.

Frank comes in slow spasms, but he doesn't care to look at his crotch. Gerard is still focused on him, and then he's spent and Gerard is sitting up to lean over Frank. They're kissing in the next second, Frank moaning the remains of his bliss into Gerard's mouth until Gerard ends up lying on top of Frank.

They spend the whole morning in bed, cuddling and making out and getting Frank off a second time. There is no jogging today and breakfast is late and, in the afternoon, they go to the beach and take a walk by the shore that takes over two hours. Frank is happy to be sharing this bond and these moments with Gerard all over again, one arm wrapped around Gerard's middle the whole time. They go back and buy a take away meal in a restaurant close to their building and, after the food is gone and the game show they're watching on TV is over, Frank announces, "I'm going to take a shower."

Frank doesn't plan on taking much time, but he's surprised when Gerard opens the shower curtain. He's naked, too. "Can I?" Frank nods and waits for Gerard to step inside the shower cabin gently.

When they turn off the water, Gerard kneels down so Frank can wash his hair and they wash each other carefully, sharing caresses and hums and little moans. In the end, they're both clean and smelling good as they rinse the foam off of their bodies, and then Gerard kisses Frank rather suddenly, catching him by surprise. Frank opens his mouth under Gerard's insistent lips, hot and wet and everything Frank needs. He wraps himself around Gerard, arms around his neck, one leg around his hips until Gerard slides his arms down under Frank's ass and lifts him up easily.

With both his legs now around Gerard's body, Frank lets Gerard push him against the wall, Frank's cock trapped in between them, hard as a rock. He moans and feels the touch of Gerard's body everywhere, the shower wall feeling cold against his back, and that feels fantastic after this deep lack of love. This kiss, and Gerard's chest so close and warm, drives Frank crazy and breathless, and he pulls away from the kiss to stare into Gerard's eyes. They're dark and profound, and Frank finds only love and want in them, as they pant in the shower.

Gerard says, "You're so beautiful, so young and attractive and everything I could ever want. I love you so much." He repeats this last sentence over and over again while Frank weaves his hands through Gerard's longish hair. In the end, Frank eagerly searches for Gerard's open mouth to engage them in another rightful kiss.

Frank pulls slightly on Gerard's hair to say something and his voice comes out strangled when he demands, "Take me to bed."

"Say that again." Gerard hums and Frank obeys, his voice still cracking with every word. Gerard interrupts him and covers Frank's lips with his, hands tight on Frank's ass and making him burn with desire. When Gerard breaks the kiss, it's with a groan and he says, "It's my pleasure to do so."

 

Gerard collapses on the bed on his back, panting, and he feels really clammy when Frank crawls over his body, kissing a trail up his chest. Frank spent the last minutes rimming Gerard the best he could, using all the tricks Gerard has taught him over time. He noticed that Gerard didn't really get hard at any point, but Frank could feel him shaking at some point and he could definitely hear the pleasure in Gerard's moans. Now, they're just making out on the bed, Gerard sighing when Frank breaks the kiss.

"Mmm. I feel great. Thank you so much," Gerard says, kissing the corner of Frank's mouth while Frank smiles down at him. "It felt like an orgasm, except I'm not hard and I didn't ejaculate."

"Well, I think you kind of did? At least, your skin feels wet, so there must have been some sort of—" Frank trails off as he caresses the sensitive skin on Gerard's lower stomach. He shakes his head, though, and smiles wider. "It doesn't matter. I don't care about the technicalities of the whole thing. I just want to know how you feel right now."

Gerard grins. "I feel amazing. Thanks to you."

They hug, cuddle and pull the bedding over their naked bodies. Frank lays his head on Gerard's chest as they relax. Frank shudders at the thought that there is something he needs to discuss with Gerard and gets to it before they fall asleep.

"Gerard?" Gerard hums in response. "Can we talk about this now? Preferably without fighting."

Gerard is silent at first, but agrees. They sit up with the covers up to their stomachs and the light from the nightstand lamp falling gently over Gerard's figure. Frank says, "I think I have figured out what's wrong with you and I wish you'd talk to me about it. At first, I honestly thought you were acting weird due to the new job, or the new apartment since it's much smaller than the other house, or that you were merely stressed over things, but as this year passed and we started fighting about the age difference, and the band, and the after parties, and practically everything else in between, I didn't understand. It didn't make sense to me, but this week has made it so clear to me. And I don't believe you think you're too old for me."

"Why haven't you been able to get hard?" he wraps it up with a frank question. Gerard looks down embarrassedly.

"I don't know," he says quietly, hands fidgeting around the edge of the bed sheets. Frank draws a hand over his because he doesn't want Gerard to keep this in any longer. This problem, whatever it is, or whatever is causing it, it belongs to the two of them. Frank tells Gerard exactly this and finally, he looks up and says, "Not being able to perform sexually does make me feel like I don't give you enough anymore. And it's why I started those fights. I do know it was really unfair, though, I'm so sorry."

"That's over now, don't worry. It was tough at times, but it's okay. I'm more concerned about your situation now. Talk to me about it."

Gerard nods, clasping his hands on his lap, contemplating what to say next. Frank waits patiently; he gets that it's difficult for Gerard to talk about this and doesn't want to hurt Gerard's feelings, but they need to talk it out to fix it as quick as possible.

"It started out as a stress thing, about the new school and the new students. You know how awful everything was at first, with the disobedience and the uninterested kids, and it all got to me harshly. It started affecting my personal life, and well my sexual interest. I was worn out all the time, so I let it go and soon I wasn't even getting morning erections. I've been so embarrassed about this that I couldn't even let you touch me. I had all these feelings, and I craved for you, but I couldn't—"

Frank squeezes Gerard's hand when he hesitates, reassuring him that it's alright. Gerard can trust him with everything. "Whenever we went out together, I hated being seen with you. It felt like everyone could see that I wasn't pleasuring you anymore. We were always so great in bed, and now I can't even—" Gerard stops abruptly, a pained expression on his face as he grows quiet. Frank caresses Gerard's fingers with his own, and they remain silent for a while as Gerard seems to struggle to find the right words.

"I'm so sorry," Gerard says at last as he takes a deep breath and Frank looks up, finding him with his eyes closed and a miserable frown upon his forehead. He's scared of something.

"It's not your fault," Frank says, sweetly. "And you don't have to be embarrassed. This is normal."

Gerard starts shaking his head, but Frank insists, "A lot of men go through this same problem every year. And I've done some research and read that it's treatable."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that." Gerard's voice is almost sad and his eyes are huge and dark when he opens them. Frank gets lost in Gerard's fear, hurting with him, but not understanding what he's trying to say.

"What, what do you mean? Of course it is, there are a lot—"

"I've tried that before." Gerard pauses and Frank gulps, wide-eyed, waiting for the rest, wondering what this might mean. "I have seen a doctor about this, on my own. I couldn't deal with the embarrassment of not trying to fix it and of having to tell you that I couldn't get hard, so I went to a private practice where nobody knew me. I tried a treatment for almost five months, but I wasn't getting any better, so I just stopped."

"How long has this been going on?"

Gerard hesitates at first, and his reply comes out in choked out words. "I started the treatment in January. It was horrible. I had to hide this from you because I didn't think you'd understand how I felt. Suddenly, I was useless and I lost a great part of my self-esteem, so I started stepping away from you and it led to the fights and to finding excuses to justify my behavior, but I know how wrong I was. I should have told you from the beginning. I've been only hurting you and damaging our relationship."

Frank nods. "I just don't understand why you didn't tell me. I would have supported you. We've always been close in this relationship and a mere physical problem started tearing us apart. It's not fair."

"I know, Frank. I'm sorry."

"I don't just love you for the sex, so I don't know why you acted like you didn't have anything else to offer, but that's enough. Let's not cry over spilt milk. We just have to find another doctor and ask for a second opinion."

Gerard makes an upsetting face, the corners of his mouth turning down. "Do I really have to go through that again?"

"You don't _have_ to, and I won't pressure you about it, but I think we should try. We'd be in this together now, so I could help you."

Gerard doesn't reply. He keeps quiet and his face holds a hurtful expression. Frank caresses his face and kisses the corner of Gerard's mouth, trying to reassure him that everything would be alright. He's been keeping this issue to himself for long enough and it's about time he lets Frank help him out with it. "Maybe that's what you needed at the time. Someone to support you through the whole thing."

Gerard nods, solemnly, but still doesn't say anything. He lets Frank hold him after they lie back down under the bedding, but the rest of the night is silent. It hurts, but at the same time the thought of having had this conversation is comforting. Frank isn't going to force Gerard to do anything. He'll just be there for him when Gerard needs him.

 

_September._

Frank and Gerard are at the hospital. Gerard came to meet Frank here an hour ago, as Frank now works full time. He still works as an assistant in the Psychology ward, because joining the Police force has proved to be difficult. Frank has sent in his application and is waiting to be called to perform tests and hopefully be granted a position, since he struggled so hard through college to get qualified for a Profiler job.

For now, he's still at the hospital and Gerard is with him, in the waiting room of the Urology ward, waiting to be called.

Gerard scheduled an appointment back in August after Frank convinced him to call the urologist he had been recommended, and thankfully Dr. Yarn was very helpful. Just last week, Gerard had a lot of tests done, including a general check-up and more specific ones to his reproductive system, and even actual tests to his genitalia. Frank hadn't been allowed to be with Gerard during those tests; he had to wait in the waiting room for hours and it had been pretty heartbreaking to see Gerard leave the hospital with an uncomfortable expression and in a quiet mood. Frank didn't dare to question him, but the next day they spoke about what he had felt and Frank consoled him the best he could.

Today, a week later, Gerard came to meet Frank at the end of his shift and now they're just sitting here, waiting. Frank spent the weekend completely uneasy and on the edge, watching and supporting Gerard as he was so anxious about this moment. Frank tried to show Gerard that he can relax and they had a few cute moments together, cuddling, watching movies or simply talking about things unrelated to Gerard's physical condition. That process continues now, as Frank picks up the newspaper he bought before Gerard arrived, hoping to pass a soothing message.

There is an article that catches his attention, another child pornography scandal involving Catholic priests and he silently praises Gerard for always having been a respectable person instead of a pervert like those men. They were supposed to be servants of God, but they were only beasts who molested innocent people. Frank is pretty disgusted with this article, but he is assaulted by a question when he reads what the Vatican had decided to do with the priests.

"How was it when you went to the Vatican?" Frank asks Gerard, but he doesn't reply. Frank looks up, noticing that Gerard is tapping his foot constantly on the floor and biting his nails furiously. Frank smiles softly, understandingly, and takes Gerard's hand down from his mouth. "You're going to hurt yourself. Calm down."

Gerard has a slightly crazed, panicked expression and his hair is standing up at random angles, but Frank weaves his hands through it to straighten it and holds Gerard's hand carefully. Gerard looks at him and murmurs, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand that you're nervous, but I was asking you something," Frank tells him softly, squeezing Gerard's hand. It's still so much bigger than Frank's and Frank has always felt so secure while being held by Gerard's hands, but right now he hopes that Gerard feels better by this strong hold that Frank has on him now.

"What is it?"

"You never told me much about your visits to the Vatican," Frank says, realizing that they hadn't talked about this many times during the years they've been together. That's actually a little strange, but there's something else Frank has to add, "I'd like to go there with you some day. I've been curious about the city my whole life."

"I'd love to take you there." Frank notices that Gerard's answer is vague and tense, which seems a bit strange to him, and then Gerard starts biting another nail.

Frank shakes his head at all this nervousness and, although he understands, he knows Gerard's worry is unnecessary. He says, "Don't be so nervous. It's gonna be alright, you'll see. I'm sure you're fine."

"If I was fine, I wouldn't be here," Gerard points out fretfully.

Nodding, Frank holds his hand tighter, throwing the newspaper to the chair beside his. "Don't think about it like that. I have faith in your body, and a lot of faith in you."

Gerard sighs, deflating, and stops tapping his foot against the floor. He looks at Frank again, but with a clearer expression now. "Thank you, but I'm still nervous."

Frank giggles and Gerard smiles, in a sweet, small moment. Frank envelops Gerard's lower back with his left arm, still holding Gerard's hand on his right one, and lowers his head to Gerard's shoulder. Frank sighs. "It's gonna be alright."

They're so close now, with Frank wrapped up around Gerard, and they keep waiting, but not for too long. A voice calls Gerard's full name and then they look up.

There's a nurse looking around the room and they get up at last, following the woman through the hall and into the doctor's office. Dr. Yarn smiles at them and gets up from his chair behind the glass desk to shake their hands. This doctor has always been very approachable, warm and confident, even before the appointment last week, when Frank had called him and asked several questions about Gerard's problem and the dysfunction in itself.

"Sit down, please." Frank sees a digital device on the desk and reaches for Gerard's hand, squeezing it as the doctor takes the device and looks at Gerard. He just stares back with an uptight expression on his face and an anxious tremble on his bottom lip. Frank waits with him, feeling his heartbeat in his mouth and stomach, but he will never let Gerard go through any ordeal as serious as this on his own. He looks back at the doctor when he starts talking.

"I'm sorry we kept you waiting for so long, but there were some inconsistencies in your tests and I had to discuss them with a colleague over videoconference. It took longer than I had expected." He clears his throat and Frank notices that Gerard is shaking slightly and tapping his foot on the floor again, so he moves his chair closer to Gerard's. Linking arms with Gerard and squeezing his hand, Frank wants to show him nothing but his support about the upcoming news, whatever it is.

"I don't think I've told you before," the doctor continues, looking directly at Gerard. "But it's advised to men over fifty years old to do this kind of tests every two years, mainly concerning any prostatic issues. With this kind of results, however, you must start having these tests regularly right away. The fact is that, while the general check-up is completely normal, we noticed slight anomalies on your prostate. It's mostly a hormonal predicament that can be reversed with a simple treatment." Frank nods at him and catches a glimpse of Gerard as he processes this information. It's better than being told that their situation can't be fixed. If this treatment brings Gerard's erections back and his self-esteem along with it, Frank is satisfied enough. He hopes Gerard feels the same.

"We're going to start with two pills per day for two months," the doctor keeps talking, and Frank notices that Dr. Yarn is starting to gaze in his direction. "If this eradicates most of the anomalies you're going through right now, we'll move on to a pill a day for another two months. Meanwhile, you must come to my office every month to check on how the problem is evolving. If these appointments do not reveal any progress, you might have to be kept under a constant treatment. We might even need to reevaluate the diagnosis, but we'll consider that option after the first four months, alright?"

Frank looks at Gerard because he has understood everything and he wants to be hopeful about this, wants to believe in a successful treatment. Gerard is smiling while nodding, so there isn't much Frank has to worry about. The foot tapping has stopped and Gerard's hand no longer shakes, and Frank has high hopes about this. He's going to support Gerard through it all and make sure that everything goes alright during and after the treatment.

Gerard interrupts Frank's chain of thought by saying, "I have a question. How come the doctor I went to before didn't tell me about any of this?"

The doctor hesitates. "I honestly have no idea. I agree that different doctors have different opinions, but these hormonal deficiencies in your bloodstream are hard to miss. I don't understand what happened there. What kind of tests did you do? Were you on any medication?"

"They just took some blood and examined my genitalia, I'm not sure about having anything else done. When the results were out, they just put me on Cialis, stating that it should fix whatever they found, but it didn't work," Gerard replies, shrugging.

"Are you still on this treatment?" Gerard shakes his head in response, telling Dr. Yarn that he hasn't taken any pills since late April. The doctor hums and adds, "Well, tadalafil or any other PDE5 inhibitor is nowhere near enough for your problem, which justifies the lack of results after that treatment. Your condition did not get better and you delayed a proper treatment for a long time, but I'm confident about this treatment. I hope you feel the same."

Half an hour later, Frank and Gerard leave the hospital with the original copy of the results of every test Gerard had done, for future use if necessary, and with a prescription for pills for a month. By then, Gerard will have an appointment and Dr. Yarn will give him the next prescription. Frank takes Gerard to his car and, after a witty goodbye peck on the lips, he walks towards his own vehicle. He was the one in charge of getting the pills from the pharmacy and, when he's paying for the big carton box, he feels highly confident about their situation.

Frank gets home and finds Gerard sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for him. Frank offers to cook dinner when Gerard says that he wants to take a shower and, afterwards, they watch a movie together, sitting on the couch. Later that night, Frank is the last to come to bed and he slides under the bedding with a hopeful smile. He lies on his side and cuddles against Gerard's left side, listening to him as he says, "You were right. Talking about this made everything better. Thanks for making me talk to you. You pissed me off, I pissed you off and I'm so sorry I disappointed you, but in the end what I feared the most didn't happen. You didn't leave."

"I'm too stubborn to give up on you, Gerard," Frank says, only half as a joke. He loves Gerard too much to leave him, even after one year of useless fights. Frank shakes his head at the memory and concludes, "You're stuck with me, okay?"

Gerard laughs lightly, a chuckle that Frank has indeed grown very fond of. Then, Gerard says, "I know, but I don't mind. I have become very addicted to you as well, _Frankie._ "

Gerard never calls Frank 'Frankie' unless he wants to piss him off, but once Frank protests it's always the same. Gerard tickles him until Frank can't stop laughing. In the end, after their laughter dies down, Gerard holds him close and leaves a kiss on Frank's hair.

 

_October._

The first month of Gerard's treatment ends with an appointment at Dr. Yarn's office. He has new medical tests done and, of course, Frank is there waiting for Gerard when he comes back out into the waiting room. The results reveal no changes just yet, which make Gerard look disappointed, but both Frank and the doctor tell him that it's still too soon.

Back at home, Gerard laughs contentedly at Frank when he comes out of his late shower and refuses to put any clothes on. This has kind of become a habit at least once a week and Frank's primary goal is to let Gerard know that there is nothing wrong with his body or with their relationship. Gerard always joins Frank in this naked madness, except today.

Frank argues several times that it's in the name of his cause and that they're supposed to live comfortably with their ugly limp dicks, making Gerard laugh again, open-mouthed. It's a beautiful laugh and Frank grabs Gerard's head with both hands and presses a noisy smooch on his cheek, unbuttoning his shirt next. "Your turn!"

Gerard insists on cooking before Frank undresses him, though. He doesn't want to order take out again and risk having Frank answering the door naked again and ending up infatuating the delivery guy. It's Frank's turn to laugh, but he lets Gerard have his way today. And after dinner, they create art together in Gerard's office in the nude. It turns out to be a wonderful evening.

 

_December._

While last month Gerard started having morning erections, this month they notice a bigger change. They spent the weekend at Frank's parents' house to go Christmas shopping all together on both days and when they go back home, Gerard just pulls Frank into their bedroom. He pulls on Frank's arm either playfully or eagerly, but soon Frank understands what Gerard really wants from him. It doesn't take much brain to figure it out when Gerard wraps himself around Frank's body and kisses his mouth fiercely, or when Gerard pulls away to undress Frank and pushes him onto the bed. It's even more obvious when Gerard climbs over Frank, supporting his weight with his elbows on both sides of Frank's head.

Frank grins at Gerard because he looks so beautiful right now, hair falling over his face, smiling back like he wants Frank all to himself. Frank lets Gerard kiss him and they stay there for a long time, Frank feeling warm inside and out, and Gerard even starts rubbing himself against Frank's crotch. It's something Frank is used to, but tonight there's something different about it. Gerard is moaning and rubbing harder, and Frank breaks the kiss and rolls them around to look down at Gerard's middle and see what's going on.

Gerard is hard.

The appointment last week showed that things were progressing nicely for Gerard and here he is sporting a nice erection. It's not up to full size yet, but Frank grins at the sight and then at Gerard, climbing over his body and kissing him hard on the mouth. He grabs Gerard's cock to celebrate this night that will most likely start a new phase in their life.

Pulling away from the kiss, Frank lies next to Gerard, still touching his dick as Gerard closes his eyes and delights Frank with a few moans. It's beautiful. Frank wraps himself around Gerard, kissing his neck and fondling his slight hard-on and then his balls, and then using a finger around Gerard's hole. He alternates his actions until Gerard bucks his hips up and moans into Frank's new bruising kiss.

Nothing really happens, except Gerard's clear peak of pleasure and the quick deflating of his cock, but Frank is rather pleased with this moment. When Gerard slides an arm around Frank and hugs him tight, using his legs too afterwards, Frank is smiling and releases a giggle that affects Gerard as well, but soon it dies down.

Gerard sighs. "What just happened?"

"I think I jerked you off, but you were only half hard. But… you're back. That means the treatment is working really well. A month from now you won't be needing any more pills, you'll see."

Gerard smiles. "I love your enthusiasm, Frank. Thank you for being with me through this. It's been very difficult to deal with this, but taking up the courage to tell you as soon as it began would have saved us months of fighting. Still, you never gave up on me. You have never abandoned me during these years and I don't think I can ever thank you enough for staying beside me, but I want you to know that I feel very fortunate. You're an amazing person, but you have no idea how lucky I feel to have been the one to keep you. I love you."

Frank smiles, caressing Gerard's face. "I love _you_ , Gerard. I love you so much."

 

_February._

Frank kisses Gerard straight on the mouth, sliding his tongue inside and moaning as Gerard stretches his ass with a finger, then with two and scissoring. He's preparing Frank really well for what's next. Frank is hard and circles a hand around his cock, feeling the pre-come drenching the head and he pushes Gerard away to tell him, "Let's do this."

Gerard grins down at him and Frank asks, "Could you sit up against the bed?" Gerard nods and obeys, sitting on the mattress with his back to the headboard. Frank sees that Gerard's cock is looking thick and big again, and Frank is drooling just thinking of it. They've been struggling with Gerard's hormones and a pill every day, and the results have been satisfying. Gerard got his erections back and along with that came his stamina, and Frank is more than glad to see his boyfriend so happy and confident all over again. At this point in their relationship, after this uncomfortable year, they're finally _together_ again.

Tonight is going to be very special because it's the first time they're going to try penetration after Gerard lost his ability to get hard. Frank is very excited and climbs over Gerard's lap with a grin on his face. He loves this position, Frank straddling Gerard's hips as Gerard sits down on the bed with his legs stretched out in front of him. Pressing a warm kiss on Gerard's lips, Frank tilts his head to the side and asks, "Are you ready?"

"I'm ready." Gerard has one hand on Frank's ass, the other on his dick lining it up and that look of anticipation is so strong now. Frank angles his hips and moves down slowly, focused on doing this right and he can see that it's working by Gerard's delightful look. Frank stops when he's full and he can feel Gerard's thighs trembling beneath him.

It feels so tight as he stares at Gerard, holding his face with two hands and leaning closer. He kisses Gerard hotly, moving his arms to embrace his shoulders and pulling their chests together. He slides a hand over Gerard's chest to feel his heartbeat and it's beating fast under his palm, as Frank's mouth opens under the pry of Gerard's tongue.

Frank moves up for the first time and sinks down fast, Gerard's chest inflating with air and Frank moaning, muffled by the other's mouth as Gerard squeezes his ass. Frank's moving slowly and lovingly, paying attention to every second, taking advantage of another beautiful moment in their sex life because tonight is going to be special and long.

Frank looks at Gerard and moves faster, never taking his eyes away as they share this pleasure. He grabs Gerard's hair and feels Gerard's hands trekking up his back, and it's comfortable in this sweet embrace among the slap of skin on skin and the moans and expletives in low voices. It's an intense moment and Frank's starting to sweat, lost in this bliss and in Gerard's expression with clouded eyes, mouth agape, and big hands pushing Frank close against him.

"I love you so much," Frank says, mouthing around Gerard's ear and moaning lowly. He closes his eyes and murmurs, "This is my favorite position. I can see you, I can touch you everywhere. I look into your eyes and know what you're feeling. It's so amazing to see this pleasure in your eyes. It makes me so happy."

"And you make me feel so good. Don't ever stop."

They both moan and kiss fervently, with lips and tongues and teeth, and Frank moves faster over Gerard's cock, bending his back as his inner satisfaction peaks. Gerard grasps him more firmly and bites hard on his tongue as they tremble together. Frank pauses the kiss and takes a deep breath, holding Gerard's head against his neck, feeling Gerard shaking as he comes. Frank moves a hand to his own cock, his ass so filled with Gerard as they share a new bruising kiss. Gerard helps him and soon Frank comes hard, not controlling his spasms and letting go of everything with a loud shout.

Later, they collapse on their backs, all sweaty and smelling like sex. The air is thick around them and Frank is panting deeply, struggling to keep his breath after almost an hour of loving Gerard. It was a great night and he still feels the flashes of pleasure beneath his closed eyelids and the aftershocks in his ass. Gerard was awesome tonight, giving Frank one of the most surprising nights of their life. Frank's grinning when he gets up on one elbow and turns to look at Gerard, who is lying there watching Frank with an affectionate gaze.

After one year of fighting in the dark, Frank is once more close to Gerard and, after three months of actually trying to solve the problem, the results are astounding. Gerard revealed a great energy tonight and a comfortable feeling about the difficult ordeal he went through. Frank is proud of Gerard and happy that they got over this issue.

He smiles and kisses the hollow between Gerard's collarbones, before laying his head over Gerard's chest. He can feel Gerard's rushed heartbeat and sighs contentedly, not thinking of all the things they've gone through. He can only think about and anticipate what's lying ahead of them.


End file.
